4/17/11

After much time spent doing anything but taking care of me, remembering who I am, the past few days....spent alone...have been quality time. Precious moments to regain...remember...who I am, or rather, who I used to be.n. The past 8 years are filled with few regrets, much love and my personal life on the back burner. While my girls and students have been the priority of my life, mostly my heart; the things that used to define my life have faded into the quiet and invisible background. Recently I ran into an old friend who evoked memories of a past life, filled with music, love and courage. There was a day when I was bold, fearless, and determined. Now that is reserved solely for the kids in my life, justifying in my mind that they need it more than I do. While I love these kids unconditionally, wholly and unwaveringly and holding nothing back; in the back of my mind, I hope intently that one day sometime will love me in return in the same manner. Perhaps a foolish hope given the last few years of heartbreak and disappointment. In the meantime, writing and music which provided me with release and wholeness before I started giving my heart away have re-entered my soul like a fresh cool wind on a hot summer's day.

Darkness

Reservoirs of feelings
Hidden hurts
Deepest fears
Held at bay
Protected
Disguised from the surrounding world
Shielding
Prepared to withstand daggers and spears
Shattered dreams
Betrayals
Assaults to the heart
Soul searing pain
Despair drowns love
Yet without love
There is no meaning to living.

Never Fails

Throughout life I have learned that love in its most perfect form has no room for fear and is the source of faith and hope. It is patient, kind, forgiving, looks for the best in the others, always hopes, always perseveres, always trusts, Most of all, love never fails.

I believe this. While love can be felt as an emotion, it is a choice. Sometimes it is easy to love someone. Other times it seems impossible to love because of the lack of redeeming qualities. That is, where the beauty of love shines through. True love, the way it should be, is not about what a person can do to be loveable. It doesn’t matter. Love is patient enough, sees the best when no one else can, and waits for the best to make its way to the surface. It sees the heart, accepts the present condition, flaws and all, and chooses to love. How hard is it to love someone who is lovely? But the one who can love another, whom the world has turned its back on; there you will find the pure love.

I know a woman who has worked with troubled teenage girls for many years. After dealing with them and their troubles for many years and watch them fall, time and time again. For many, this woman has been the only person in their lives who has loved them for who they are, no matter the mistake, without expecting anything in return. The girl could have spit in this woman’s face, said the most hateful thing, and yet, in return, the girl would receive love. Maybe not in the way we would all expect though. You see, while this woman never let go to that glimmer of beauty and hope in that girl, she often had to resort to a strong force of love. In the form of a direct, seemingly abrasive manner of confronting issues of the heart, taking the time to teach a better way to handle emotions, difficult circumstances and hurt. How to expect more out of life, love and yourself. These were all lessons the woman taught through her life, by example. The kids have all come to realize that no matter how far or hard they fall, when they think no one else believes in them, this remarkable woman does, always will.
Her secret. Remembering to have humility. She is no one to judge someone else, not in any way. She has fallen enough times herself, failed miserably, suffered through life’s injustices like any other. She says we all have hurt; we all have capacity for good or bad. ‘I choose love; it is the only thing that can carry us through a broken heart, poverty, and the evils that life throws while we’re down’. Children often understand and recognize first. An individual who cares for more than them self, unafraid of the judgments of others.

The Importance of Words

Too hard to say I love you.
So I'm feeling like an old woman
reminiscing on her life,
looking back on what should have
even what could have been.
Thinking about what was missing
who was important
and all that was not
Reflection complete with hind-sight.
She is left not with regret
as much as sadness
A great rush of feelings floods her memories
Wishing not upon a star but on something much more
Drawing from an abyss of hurt and anger, she ponders
Although knowing she was never unloved, rarely felt anything
but just that. A terrible word that no one should know
the meaning of--unloved.
If only for the lack of saying so...

Knowing you changed my life.

More than living under the same roof,
Following the same routine,
Day after day.
More than cooking together
And organizing my freezers
Playing with the horses,
Watching chicken football
Cleaning the pig pen or chasing a loose steer
The endless wheelbarrows of mulch
That lasted through the heat of summer
It was the late night talks
Even if you were stalling to go to bed
It was discovering new strengths and talents
In you and me
It was the comfort after a difficult phone call
Laughing til our sides hurt
At the new girls
Struggling with the chores
Or Cindy’s way of cooking and cleaning


We shared many memories
Experiences that could never happen
In the real world
Protected and sheltered
Loneliness was often a good friend
So was regaining a childhood once lost
As I poured out my heart, in hopes to help
You may never know
The ways you helped me
Watching each other struggle
And love reciprocated daily
A sisterhood forged for eternity

Forever grateful for the chance
To know and love you
Continually gives me hope
You have been the change I wish to see in the world
For you are truly set apart from the rest
The selected, the few
Chosen to make a difference
As you have made in my life
So, go and never forget
You are hope, life and every beautiful thing on this earth.

Love

Some thoughts on love...I'm working on bringing my journal entries to this blogsite! :)

To live fully, you must love completely. To love fully, you will definitely be hurt, broken, often to end of the reach of hope. There you must make a decision. To live or not. For without love, you have no hope, thus, no purpose for living. But with each breath we unconsciously breathe, there is always a whisper of hope, the promise of something great, something beautiful just within our grasp. ~~E~~


To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers of love…is hell. (CS Lewis)


Romance is the deepest thing in life. It is deeper even than reality. (GK Chesterton)

It is impossible for hope to exist without love. When I think back to the times when hope felt long gone, the presence of love in my life also seemed distant. All it can take is a single heart, believing, hoping, loving; inspires my soul to great things again. Yes, to be loved, as I am, truly is my greatest source of hope. ~~E~~

Thanks for tuning in...

Especially to my girls, this is for you. Thoughts on life at the farm and after. Written to express what I have experienced with the hope of sharing what I have learned to encourage or avoid similar mistakes. :) With you, I share my heart as always. I carry you in my heart, for good and bad, unconditionally and eternally, I love each and every one of the chosen ones, my girls, my daughters, my sisters, my sources of hope.